The ability to deliver effective feedback is a cornerstone of managerial roles, yet also one that people get wrong time and time again, or indeed just actively avoid altogether. Mike Thackray explores the art of giving difficult feedback.
If there was a single red flag that I could use to identify someone who might develop into a toxic leader, it would be someone who answered “yes” to the question – “Do you enjoy giving difficult feedback?”. I’ve asked this hundreds of times in various workshops over the years, and thankfully, I’ve seen very few positive responses.
Giving difficult or challenging feedback should feel hard. The resulting emotion usually ensures the person delivering the feedback gives it the requisite amount of attention and planning so that the message is delivered clearly, but in a way that is helpful to the recipient.
It’s a delicate balance between honesty and tact, encouragement and critique – one that is notoriously tough to get right. Too direct and without tact, and you risk leaving the other person damaged and upset. Too vague and overly sensitive, and you leave them confused and without clarity.
It’s a delicate balance between honesty and tact, encouragement and critique – one that is notoriously tough to get right.
The power of being direct
Many times, I’ve been in workshops observing feedback role plays where someone is struggling to be as direct as they need to be, employing an array of ‘fudges’ to reduce confrontation, and make themselves feel better in the moment. My tactic in these scenarios is to always ask the individual to say out loud what it is that they really want to say. With alarming predictability, the ensuing feedback is almost always an improvement on their previous attempts. Direct yes, but clear and authentic. The look on some of the delegates’ faces when I suggest that they should therefore ‘just say that’ is priceless. But the reality is this: unless we can find a good reason for not authentically saying what we feel and believe, then that’s exactly what we should do.
What would constitute a good reason? Well, there are certain words and phrases that are best avoided when delivering feedback. A classic one is any sentence that starts with the words ‘your behaviour’. It’s almost guaranteed to get someone’s back up and come across as a jarring statement because it’s associated with being reprimanded as a child. We can easily reframe the phrase as ‘the way you acted’.
With alarming predictability, the ensuing feedback is almost always reasonable. Direct yes, but clear and authentic…
The power of rapport
The other often overlooked ingredient for successful feedback is the degree of rapport and trust you have developed with the recipient.
You can understand all the models of feedback in the world, choose all the right words, deliver them in the right order, at the right time and in the right setting, but unless you have developed trust and rapport with the individual on the receiving end, your feedback has almost zero chance of landing effectively.
Trust and rapport are essential ingredients for effective feedback, as they demonstrate to the recipient that you have their best interests at heart. If you find a pattern of your feedback not landing effectively, then think first about the relationship you have with those on the receiving end, and first and foremost, put work into developing it.
Creating a feedback culture
The ability to deliver effective feedback is a cornerstone of managerial roles, yet also one that people get wrong time and time again, or indeed just actively avoid altogether. In 20 years as a consultant, I can count on one hand the number of organisations I have worked with that have a true culture of feedback.
Creating a culture of feedback only happens when enough people have the confidence, competence and motivation to start delivering it on a regular basis. This takes time and the right tools, but it’s one of the most valuable investments you can make for your organisation.
If your organisation struggles with giving or receiving feedback, or if you’d like to explore how to build a culture where feedback is effective and empowering, I’d be happy to help.